Date:  Wed Mar 28, 2001 2:24am

I started treatment for depression 18 months ago. I was taking 
ativan at the time for depression. I was put on Serzone for many 
months, had my dosage steadily increased until I was up to the max
of 600 mg a day. It didn't put a dent in my depression, and I gained 
so much weight that I asked to be taken off. I was put on Prozac for 
3 months .. I became another person ... dead to the world, and 
craving alcohol, and even more depressed. Thats when I was put on 
Effexor. At first I felt the positive effects immediately .. I had 
energy, I was happy, I thought this was the greatest drug in the 
world. Then IT started to happen.

After a few months on effexor, I started to become very tired all the 
time. I slept as much as 18 hours a day. I stayed in my house. My 
anxiety became worse & worse until it was even difficult to go to the 
store. I couldnt eat, I had no appetite, and when I did eat, I threw 
up violently. I also had the 'runs' for months. I started getting 
dizzy all of the time, my heartrate was at about 130 bpm constantly, 
and I had to start taking heart medication to calm that down. 
Gradually I became sicker & sicker ... I started having wierd shock 
sensations throught the day, terrible dreams that I couldnt 
distinguish from reality, and I becmae numb .. so numb that I didnt 
even put up a christmas tree this year for my kids.. I didnt even 
attend my family's get-together. I was too sick to function at all. I 
had trouble breathing all of the time too. 

I went to see my family doctor & he could find nothing wrong with me. 
He pretty much told me that it was all in my head. Of course he did 
do some tests on me - but all came out ok.

I decided that I was just crazy, and it was all due to depression, 
UNTIL the night I stayed up all night watching rental movies with my 
son & his friend. I slept very late the next day, well past noon, and 
well past my normal 6 a.m. dose of effexor. OH BOY .. was THAT ever a 
day of awakening. When I awoke .. ALL of the above symptoms were 10 
times worse, and I knew then that it was related to effexor. I took 
my dose & felt better after a few hours. I started researching on the 
net .. and found the withdrawl message board (unfortunately, it is no 
longer there) ... I couldnt believe what I read. Right there in black 
in white was my nightmare OVER & OVER. WIth every page I read, I 
became more determined than ever to get off of this drug. I now know 
that I was suffering from tolerance withdrawl.

I went to talk to my psychiatrist .. he wanted to UP my dose. I said 
NO WAY .. I want off. He gave me Wellbutrin & told me to take that for
2 weeks, then stop the effexor cold turkey. I said, 'what about 
withdrawl from the effexor?' he said 'we rarely see that - you will 
be fine'. I took the Wellbutrin for 3 days .. it made me want to jump 
out of my skin ... I was even sicker .. I stopped taking it & went 
back to the doc. He gave me paxil that time(another addictive drug). 
I talked him into giving me some 37.5 effexor pills for a taper. I 
took Paxil for 3 days .. and I slept the entire 3 days. 
I became a zombie & started to believe I was incurable.

By this time, I have HAD it. I decided to take myself off of the Effexor 
& go drug free. I dropped to 37.5 for 3 weeks. I had withdrawl. Vomiting, 
shocks, vertigo, etc ... but I noticed that I could breathe better, 
and I wasnt vomiting as much at that dose.

After 3 weeks, I took half the granules out of my 37.5 pill, that 
same day I got so sick that I couldnt go to work. That is when I 
braced for the storm & went cold turkey. I lost my job - but it was 
better than losing my life to this drug.

That was 4 weeks ago. The withdrawls were horrible the first week. I 
shook, I cried, every time I moved my eyes, I would get severe 
vertigo & electric shocks running through my entire body. I couldn't 
take a shower, for fear of falling & hitting my head. I couldn't 
drive, and every single noise sounded like a atomic bomb to me. The 
only comfort I had were the people here on the internet. I called my 
family doctor, he didnt believe in the withdrawls. I called my 
psychiatrist... they said 'TAKE ANOTHER PILL'. Oh my god .. I wanted 
to just die. I began having panic attacks that would last for hours 
on top of all the other symptoms. My neighbor had to go get groceries 
for me, and my son, my poor son, just looked at me in horror. I 
became suicidal at about the 4th day. I had to call my neighbor to 
come over. By day 8, I went to get accupuncture on two consecutive 
days to relieve my anxiety. (I had never done this before, but I was 
deperate - it worked ! for those two days) The dreams I had during 
this time were ALL about dying..becuase I thought I was dying .. I 
WANTED to die. By the sixth day some of the symptoms became 
milder ... at 2 weeks...my brain started to feel clearer, I didnt 
feel so numb anymore, the shocks & anxiety were still there.

Now, at 4 weeks, I am still having major anxiety problems, panic 
attacks, some vertigo .. and I get the shocks when I am really tired.
My memory seems really bad & my vision is blurry. I will have a 
couple of days when I feel really good, followed by 3 or so days of 
going backwards. The good news - I can laugh again, I can think more 
clearly, my appetite is back, I am losing weight slowly, I dont vomit 
anymore & I dont have the 'runs'. I actually had a few GOOD dreams 
this week .. but also had some very scarey ones. Sometimes I am 
terrified, because I don't know what this drug has done to me. I feel 
permanently damaged.

My short term memory is gone, I have sudden mood swings, I could sleep 
for a week if I didn't have to get my son up for school. I am finding 
this all to be very disturbing, as I thought that once the intital 
withdrawl was over, I would feel like myself again.
I am starting to think I am going crazy. I realize that it takes time for 
all of the brain chemicals to stabilize again .. but how long ? And 
are there defined phases that would tell me what to expect in my 
recovery ?

I don't feel mentally capable of going back to work & I am running out 
of money.I fired my psychiatrist & I am now seeing a doctor that specializes 
in anxiety. 

I am nowhere near the person that I was before all the drugs. Its really sad, 
to think that you are doing the 'right' thing for yourself by listening to 
these professionals, only to find that you are slowly becoming what they 
THOUGHT you were in the first place. Its like they diagnose & then turn you 
into that 'thing' with all the meds. I hope that this ends soon. I am hoping to 
get my life back....and that will take even longer. God, I am getting SO 
ANGRY !!!!!    

Sorry this was so long. 
 
Angie